I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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