just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We have started to decorate penises.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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