Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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