I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
