There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
