Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Randomize
