I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
