its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
