What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
