Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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