you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
