I molested 6 butterflies tonight
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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