This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
