apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
