I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
