I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
