OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
