At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
