the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
