Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
