Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
