tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
