3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
