I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
