hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
