Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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