:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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