Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
