He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
