He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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