Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
