Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
