come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize