New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
