If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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