I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
