bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
