Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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