Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
