I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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