so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He better not be in your backpack
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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