In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
