Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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