The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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