I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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