I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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