TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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