Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
