P.S. I can't hear my feet
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
