Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
