She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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