Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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