I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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