Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
