I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
