Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
