omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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