I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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