nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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