I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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