You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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