For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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