If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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