It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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