I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize