dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
