i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He passed out mid-signature
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
