Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
